When my father had to go into hospital for a heart operation in 2011, I dropped him off at the hospital. And although there was a greater risk due to his age, I thought that he would soon be out.
Before he went into hospital, it was clear that he wasn’t in a good way, but as he had been unwell for so long we had got used to it. There were nights when he would sleep upright in a chair in the lounge and he would shiver.
The reason he had been unwell for so long was that he had bone cancer - but he did what he could to carry on as normal during this time. There was a time when we were all sat around the table and she was shivering then.
I remember saying to him that something needs to be done about this, and I think he said that nothing could be done. Shortly after I had dropped him off at a hospital nearby, he was moved to one that must have been at least 60 miles away.
Around this time I had a reading, and I told him that my father was about to have an operation in hospital. During this time, he told me that I should tell him how I feel and get everything off my chest when I see him next.
He said that if I didn’t do this I wouldn’t get the chance to do it, as he wasn’t going to make it. This didn’t have too much of an effect on me, though, and this was because I thought that he would soon be out.
The Next Day
I think I went to see my father the day after and he seemed quite happy – it wasn’t as if he wasn’t about to have an operation. I left the hospital without saying anything too deep and then I went in again to use the toilet, but I couldn’t summon up the courage to go and see him again and to open my heart up to him.
This turned out to be the last time that I was able to have a conversation with him, and I soon ended up feeling bad about just dropping him off at the hospital and not going to speak to him when I had the chance to. I felt as though I had betrayed my father and that I deserved to suffer.
This wasn’t something that I become aware of until a number of years later. It wasn’t until the beginning of 2015 that I was ready to get in touch with the grief that was within me and to cry it out.
Along with feeling guilty, there was another part of me that was supportive and could see that I did the best I could at this time in my life. It was clear that I was judging myself based on how I was in that moment, not on what I was like when it happened.
What also made a big difference was when I was working with a healer who understood what was going on. He said that due to what my family was like, this was something that was destined to happen.
The reason for this was that we didn’t really talk about our feelings or show love to one another. And whenever I used to try to hug my father, he would often retract and freeze up
I Had Changed
Therefore, based on the kind of person who I had become, it was normal for me to feel as though I had done something wrong. I was emotionally cut-off at when this was all going on, so I didn’t have the need to behave differently.
I believe that my father would have had the same outlook, and that the last thing he would have wanted would have been for me to suffer. One of the last things that he said to me was “you have got to live your own life now!”