About a year before I finished school, I remember bringing a girlfriend home for the first time. Before this took place, I wasn’t sure about if it was a good idea, and this was primarily due to how I thought my family would respond.
Shortly after this I came to see that my concerns were legitimate, as my mother and sister ended up criticising her once she had left. From that point on, I preferred to go over to her house.
It left A Mark
I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t a good idea for me to bring a girl home after this; this was seen as the only way for me to avoid unnecessary drama. This was a girl who I had met at a party.
And after our time together came to an end (we were together twice), I ended up meeting another girl at a party. I was pulled in by this girl and when it didn’t go any further; a lot of emotional pain came to the surface.
As a result of what I have learnt and the healing work that I have done since that time in my life, I came to see that this was a time when the pain that I experienced as a child was triggered. At the time, I didn’t know what was going on.
What had happened was after this girl didn’t want to take things further, I felt rejected. Consequently, the pain that I experienced through having an emotionally unavailable mother appeared.
I Feel Right Down
It was at this point that I felt that I had lost something; it was as though the power I had had disappeared. I ended up feeling this way for a number of years, which caused me a lot of problems when it came to women.
The success that I had had with women wasn’t because my childhood was full of love and supportive; it came down to the fact that I was often objectified due to how I looked. This caused me to see myself as attractive, but deep down I felt worthless.
Being objectified wasn’t ideal, yet it did provide me with a certain amount of positive feedback; which gave me something to feel good about. Along with feeling powerless with women, I also didn’t have a positive view of women; in fact, I wanted to avoid them.
The part of me that wanted to be with a woman was then in conflict with another part of me that wanted to keep them at a distance. Having a mother who was emotionally unstable, abusive and cold played the biggest part in this.
This area of my life was a challenge, to say the least, and this meant that even if I was with a woman, I wouldn’t tell my mother about her. There is a moment that stands out to this day – I think I must have been in my early twenty’s.
One morning my mother looked at me and asked me if I was gay. She looked uncomfortable when she said this; perhaps this was partly due to how she felt by asking me this, and partly due to the fact that I might say yes. I side no, and I couldn’t believe what I had just been asked.
Completely Out of Touch
This was a time in my life when I wasn’t consciously aware of the fact that I was abused as a child, I just knew that I had problems. However, even if I had told her about why this area of my life was a struggle (along with just about every other area), I don’t think it would have gone in.
When I spoke to my mother a number of years later about what had happened when I was younger, she denied everything. The fact that my mother asked me this proved how disconnected she was.
A Big Surprise
And as she was out of touch with how she had treated me as a child, it was then normal for her to behave in this way. It would be the same as a stranger walking up to me and telling me that I owe them money – I would deny it.
Her need to keep her own pain at bay surely played a part in her inability to face reality. It was then more important for her to avoid what was taking place within her, than it was for her to acknowledge what she had done.
The Pattern Had To Be Broken
So though avoiding her own pain and having the need to protect her parents, it stopped her from being able to put an end to the abuse. From what I have heard, I would say that it goes back at least two generations.
I knew that I had to face how I felt; I couldn’t pretend that my parents were perfect. If I had done this, I would have continued to suffer and I might have ended up abusing other people.