In an article that I wrote a few months ago, I spoke about someone who I met whilst I was at a spiritual shop a few years ago. His name was Ian Baillie, and this was someone who was into past lives.
At the time, this was not something that I knew much about, but I was open-minded and keen to find out more. This started off with him talking about who he thought I was in one of my past lives.
A Few Connections
Firstly, he said that I was a confederate general in one life and, after a while, he said that I had a connection to Athens during the golden age. I thought this was all very interesting and I thought about how I hadn’t come across anyone like this before.
In addition to this, he also went into some of the lives that he had had in the past. When it came to the life in Athens, I said that I had always enjoyed watching films like ‘Gladiator and ‘Troy’’, and that there was something about Greek history that pulled me in.
A Powerful Experience
As an aside, at the beginning of this year when I was working with someone who did something called Life Activation, I had this vision of being an orator in Greece or somewhere similar. I was in a room and was walking towards a balcony.
This could be me tapping into a memory, or it could just be a creation of my own mind, who knows. It might not have any relevance, but this moment did have a big effect on me.
A little while after we had first met, Ian said that I might enjoy going to see someone called, Grant Colyer. Grant was a psychic medium, which meant that he had the ability to tune into what someone had been through in other lives.
I had had readings in the past, but I hadn’t experienced anything like this before. Even without going into the ability that he had to tune into my past lives, he was incredibly intuitive and tuned in.
It was during this time that it was said that I had a connection to Orville Wright. But with that aside, it is clear that Ian and Grant make a great team; with the former getting an idea of what someone has been through in the past, and the latter going deeper into what has been revealed.
Along with Ian’s Interest in past lives, he also has a degree and a broad understanding of history. At a time when a lot of people at his age are winding down, he is more active that people who are half his age.
A Lifelong Pursuit
It is not common for someone to stop learning as they get older and for their mind to gradually close. Ian, on the other hand, is only too happy to learn new things and to do what he can to maintain an open mind.
If you would like to find out more about Ian and the work that he does on past lives, please go to www.ravenecho.com. And, if you would like to find out more about Grant Colyer, please go to www.grant-colyer.co.uk
In a previous article, I mentioned someone who I met after I helped a friend move house. This was someone called Wain, and since our paths crossed in the middle of 2015, a number of thought-provoking conversations have been had.
It doesn’t end there, though, as what I think about after we have spent time together has just as much of an effect, if not more. There are a number of reasons as to why our conversations are so thought-provoking.
A Powerful Question
For one thing, Wain is not someone who likes to take passive role and to simply accept what comes out of another person’s mouth. What I mean by this is that he often likes to dig a little bit deeper, in order to find out why something has been said.
For example, there have been moments when I have expressed what I have wanted to achieve and he has asked me why this was. Now, this is not because he has an issue with what I wanted to achieve; what it came down to was that he was curious about what was behind this need.
A Clear Understanding
This is surely the result of the hardships that he has experienced by not questioning his own motives in the past. He is only too aware of how there can be the reason why we think we want to achieve something and then there can be real reason, with this being out of our conscious awareness.
When this is the case, it can cause us to suffer in one way or another. At the beginning of our friendship, being asked this took me by surprise - it was as though I was being criticised.
A Different Outlook
But as time passed, I was able to see that this question was coming from place of genuine curiosity and the desire to save me from a lot of unnecessary pain. And after being asked this question, I gradually started to take a deeper look at the reasons why I did certain things.
In addition to this, he would speak about how there is not just what we go through during a certain experience; there is also what takes place after this experience is over. Said another way, we can gain far more from an experience once it has passed then we can when it is taking place.
For example, consciously we can believe that we are having an experience for a certain reason but, after the hours, weeks and days pass, we can see that we had this experience for a completely different reason. Therefore, even if we have an experience that seems to have no other reason than to tear us down, as time goes by it might become clear that this was not the reason why we had it.
That is, of course, if we have an open mind and don’t end up seeing ourselves as a victim. This takes me back to when I first met Wain and how I thought that we had been brought together to create videos.
It is now crystal clear that we were not brought together just to create films; this was simply the hook point. In all my time on this planet, I have not come across someone like Wain before, someone who has the ability to get to the root of the issue like he does.
If you would like to find out more about, Wain, and the services that he offers, please go to - https://www.timetorelax.space/
When our family guest had only just been opened, a lot of the people who stayed were just passing by or on holiday. Yet, as the years went by and our guest house became more well-known, we started to have people stay from all over the world.
This also meant that we had students stay throughout the year, and there were even moments when we had them over at Christmas. A lot of these students were from Japan, China, Turkey and Sri Lanka.
During The Year
At other times, we had people stay from Qatar, France, Italy, Australia, New Zeeland, and America, along with countless other countries. So, even though I was at home in England, I had the chance to meet people from all over the world.
It wouldn’t be right for me to say that I was completely on board with having a guest house, though, as there were moments when I wished we lived like other people. The moments we shared as a family were limited and this made it harder for anyone to be authentic.
If someone was around, for instance, we all had to be polite and to act happy. This meant that we couldn’t talk about anything personal; we had to act like the perfect hosts.
But even though I did feel compromised at times by having other people around, I did enjoy meeting different people. Instead of just seeing people who looked different - which would have generally been the case if we hadn’t had a guest house - I had the opportunity to find out more about them.
Bridging the Gap
The barriers that would have been up in another environment were down through being so close to these people. This allowed me to see that although these people often had different colour skin to me and were from different countries, our differences were overshadowed by what we had in common.
I came to see these people as my fellow human beings, not as people who I needed to be wary off and to keep my distance from. Through having these kinds of experiences, it had a big effect on how I saw people who looked different to me.
What also played a part here was that I was a very curious child, which meant that I wanted to find out about just about everything. Thus, being around people from other parts of the world gave me the opportunity to fulfil this need.
I wanted to know what it was like in their country, how they lived and how they spent their time. The fact I was brought up to be well-mannered and to respect others also played a part here.
When I think about the effect these early years had on me, I think about an experience that I had when I had just started college, in 2002. There was a boy who joined our class a few weeks later than everyone else and this meant that he was seen as an outsider.
There was something about him that pulled me in, and I soon found out that he was from Tehran in Iran. I didn’t know much about Iran, but I wanted to get to know more about him, and we soon become close friends.
The Key Component
I gradually came to see that I had more in common with him than just about everyone else who was on the course. There was a rebellious energy about him; he seemed far more liberated than everyone else.
Taking this into account, I would have been drawn to him even if he didn’t look different. However, if I hadn’t had these early experiences around different people, I might have behaved in the same way as the other people did when they first saw him.
I grew up in a guest house, and this meant that I had to help my family by doing different jobs. However, it wasn’t uncommon for me to stop doing a job and then to go to my room or somewhere else.
This was partly due to me not being given much time to do what I wanted and partly due to me having a short attention span. As a result of this, my father or mother would usually come and tell me off.
Kept In Line
It would then only be a matter of time before I would be back to finish what I had started. A lot of the time I was working outside, and this was something that was far more appealing than working inside.
One of the things my father used to say was that if I didn’t know how to do something, I should ask him. And if I did this, he wouldn’t make out that I was stupid or unless; he would take his time to show me how to do something in a kind and gentle manner.
Along with this side, there was another side that that was fiery, a side that I didn’t want to see. My father had a very practical side; he was an expert when it came to building or creating things, both inside and outside
He also had another side, a side that meant he had a very fast brain; he was like a walking calculator, for one thing. There was then what he taught me directly and what he taught me indirectly.
On a number of occasions, my father said “who don’t you just finish a job!?” And at the time, this was something that would go right over my head – I just wanted to be free.
But as time passed, I came to see that in order me to be free, I needed to be disciplined. For example, it was only through my family and I working that we were able to have the freedom to go on holiday; whereas if we hadn’t worked hard, we wouldn’t have had the money to do so.
A Different Reality
If a friend from school had been over to our house, they would often say that they would love to live there or that I was ‘lucky’. This was primarily because they saw the fruits of our labor, so to speak, and not what we all had to do to live in that way.
My parents would work practically every hour under the sun, and my sister and I would also play our part. The people who had the outlook above would often go home and sit on the sofa or go out playing games, this wasnt something I was familiar with.
A Blessing in Disguise
I came to see that certain compromises had to be made and how important it was to work hard. As the years have gone by, what my father said to me on those occasions has come to my mind on a number of occasions, and it inspires me to this day.
Instead of being focused on the short-term and what I could get out of something straight away, I came to look at the big picture and to focus on what might happen in the long-term. Ultimately, I was brought up to delay gratification and to put my need for instant gratification to one side.
At the beginning of last year I had a few videos made, and one of those videos was about what qualifications I had. What inspired me to make this video was an email that I had received around that time.
In this email someone said that they liked my work or that they liked an article, but they wanted to know what qualifications I had. This was something that caused me to experience a fairly strong reaction.
Intellectually, I wanted to know why this person wanted to know this, with me wondering why this mattered. Emotionally, this brought up my own issues around not being good enough and feeling like a fraud.
So, although I had already written hundreds of articles and written a number of books, it hadn’t changed what was going on at a deeper level. All the positive emails and comments that I had received didn’t do much either.
What had played a part was how I was treated as a child and what took place at school. I was often told that I was useless growing up, amongst other things, and I didn’t do very well at school.
Therefore, even though I had come a long way since then and I was longer the same person, the view I had of myself didn’t reflect who I had become. Being asked this question also made me think that this person wanted to know if I had a degree in psychology and as I didn’t, I thought saying this would make me look bad.
Part of me wasn’t bothered about having a degree and another part of me felt that I needed one; this was something I battled with for a number of years. I thought that while having a degree would be beneficial, this wasn’t enough for me to go to university.
I came to see that if that was the right path for me to take, I would have taken that path at the beginning. And if I did take that path, I would have just been another person who had a degree in psychology.
The Right Path
Through taking the scenic route, I had the chance to work though my own pain and to share my views at the same time. This was not a path that someone else laid out for me; it was a path that I had to create.
I didn’t know where it would lead; I just had the drive to understand and to heal myself. Being a psychologist did appeal to me at the beginning but it is not something that interests me now.
And let’s face it, even if I did have a degree it wouldn’t mean that everything I come out with would be the truth. Having a degree proves that someone knows certain things, but what it doesn’t mean is that they are omniscient
The only thing that I can do, as is the case for everything on this planet, is present what I know. I will always do my best to provide information that has been well-thought-out, yet what I can’t do is provide a guarantee.
At the end of the day, I’m just another person who is trying to make sense of my own life and the world around me. And if someone was to find out that I don’t have a degree and this caused them to engage their brain instead of putting it to one side when they read my work, I would be pleased.
I would much rather have this then have someone accept everything I say just because I have a degree. This person would be giving their power away, and the only person who can truly understand them is the person they see in the mirror.
Saying this makes me think about a comment that was left on one of my articles recently, saying that “you didn't site any sources to further more explain how your information was accurate”. Hearing this didn’t have a negative effect on me; it was like water off a duck's back
I came to see how far I had come with my own growth and then I thought about how it was as though I had just submitted an article for an exam. I mentioned this when I replied and I said that it was not my intention you prove anything, I was simply sharing my own views.
I also said that it was up to them to decide whether it was accurate or not, and that it was important for them to trust their own judgement. I have read a lot of books on abuse and neglect, taken courses, had healing and worked through a lot of stuff, but that doesn’t mean that I see myself as someone who knows everything.
I am learning every day, and I would like to think that this will be how I will be for the rest of my life. I believe that we have to be own authority and to come to our own conclusion as to whether something is right or not.
There has been times in my life when I have been asked if I was happy, and this has often been followed by me feeling somewhat perplexed. When I have been asked this, part of me has felt as though I should say yes, while another part of me hasn’t wanted to say anything.
The reason for this is that I don’t aspire to be happy, far from it; that’s not to say that I do everything I can to be unhappy, though. For me, the purpose of life is to live a fulfilling life – that’s what matters.
As time has gone by, this is something that I have said when I had been asked this question. And if I am asked if my life is fulfilling, after I have said this, I will usually go into the areas of my life that are fulfilling.
For example, once I have finished writing an article, I usually feel happy. The reason for this is that I will have done something that is deeply meaningful to me - I will have fulfilled a number of needs.
Two Types of Happiness
Soon after this my mood will probably drop, but that doesn’t mean that I will go from one extreme to the other. I will return to the middle ground or the middle of the emotional spectrum.
This type of happiness is then what is called value-based happiness, as opposed to sensation-based happiness. The first type of happiness will be the result of me doing something that matters to me and second type of happiness will be the result of me taking something or having a pleasurable experience.
Before I started writing, I was more inclined to seek out certain experiences or to consume things that would allow me to feel good. The perfect example of this was when I would go out for the night and get drunk.
During this time I would feel great and I wouldn’t want it to end, but this experience wouldn’t last and I would often wake up feeling rough. I soon came to see that the cons outweighed the pros.
I think it might have been through reading books by Osho that I came to see how futile it is to want to be happy. In some his books he talks about how pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin.
Pain follows pleasure in the same way that night follows day. Not only this, the more we want something the harder it is to attain it; therefore, if we set out to be happy, we are likely to experience more of the things we are trying to run away from.
It was also around this time that I came to see that if wanted to be happy, it was usually because I was trying to avoid something. This may have meant that I was in pain, or it could have come down to how I perceived something.
Once I had worked through how I felt or changed my perspective, the need to experience life differently often disappeared. I remember speaking to a therapist called, Vijay Rana, about this, and he said that to him, being happy was all about knowing that he could handle whatever like threw at him. This is all about being resilient.
A Unique Outlook
While this is not necessarily going to mean that he will always have a smile on his face, what it will probably do is give him a sense of belief and allow him to let go and to trust that he will be ok, no matter what.
When he said this, I thought that this was a good way to be. Instead of trying to chase something that can’t be caught, he was more interested in being present; along with doing the work that he found fulfilling.
Coming back to what I said at the beginning, I think the reason why I felt the need to say yes came down to me needing approval, and saying yes was seen as a way for me to fulfil that need. I also feared that if I said no, I would have to talk about why that was.
This would have caused me to experience anxiety and shame, and that was the last thing that I wanted to experience. Over time, I have come to see that being happy is a by-product of having a life that is fulfilling.
When it became clear that I felt the need to be loyal to my father, towards the end of 2015, and that this was holding me back, I knew that I needed to do something else. The emotional processing work that I was doing at this time wasn’t having much of an impact on this issue.
The Wrong Tool
In a way, it was like trying to cut a cord with a toothbrush - I needed to find another approach. Fortunately, the therapist who I was working with could relate to my experience, which meant that he recommended something he thought might help.
He said that I should try something called ‘family constellation’, and that this was a great way to deal with this type of issue. Shortly after this session, I ended up looking for someone to work with.
A Few Setbacks
This therapist had recommended someone who ran workshops, so I looked into when the next course would be. I soon found out that it would be a while until the next one and I wasn’t prepared to wait.
I ended up finding someone who was able to offer this type of therapy over Skype, but at the last minute they cancelled. Working with someone over Skype appealed to me as I wouldn’t have to spend minutes or even hours getting somewhere.
It Soon Worked Out
It wasn’t long before I came across someone else, and this meant that I could find out what this type of therapy was all about. I was amazed that something like this could be done over the internet and that I didn’t need to be in the therapist’s presence.
At this time in my life, I felt weighed down and I wanted this to change. To my surprise, I started to feel lighter after I had my first session, and it wasn’t long before I booked another one.
A Mixed Experience
Although this was someone who was very ‘tuned in’, there were a number of things that made me wonder what was going on. As far as I was concerned, being highly intuitive didn’t mean that someone was always right or that they knew everything.
There was a moment when I spoke about the abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child and I was told that there were people who had it worse. I thought that this could be said no matter what has happened to someone in life; everything is relative, after all.
However, as I was in a lot of pain and suffered immensely during this life in my life, this wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It was as if this person believed that once I had heard this, I would start to feel better.
I experienced shame and then I felt angry, and this resulted in me feeling let down. What I needed at this time in my life was for my experiences to be validated and not to have someone minimise and dismiss what I had gone through.
I soon came to see that it wasn’t in my best interest to continue to work with this person. Thankfully, this was only the second time that I have experienced anything like this.
I can look back on the people who I have worked with and say that most of them were understanding and supportive. There is no reason why anyone should put up with a therapist who invalidates, minimised or dismisses what they have gone though and/or what they are going through.
I remember being with a friend and doing some pad work; we were both taking turns to punch and kick the pad. After a while we both needed something to drink, so we headed over to the shop.
Interestingly, my friend said that if we waited a little while, his mother would be back and then we could have something to drink. This was something that took place around 2001.
An Unpleasant Experience
When we were in the shop a boy, who was in the year above at school, asked me if we had any money, this was because he recognised me from school. I wasn’t prepared to give him anything, and this had a negative effect on the other boy who he was with, I can’t remember why.
Afterwards, my friend and I sat outside and I looked at the other boy when he came out of the shop. Perhaps this other boy threatened me when we were inside, I can’t recall what happened.
He didn’t like the fact that I did this and he ended up walking over and giving me a hard slap around my face. I froze after this and I soon started crying, I couldn’t believe what had just happened.
I wasn’t the only one, as my friend couldn’t understand why I didn’t fight back. The reason for this was that I had done Taekwondo for a few years at this point and I had done kickboxing for a little while, too, plus he had seen me spar.
It Hit Me Hard
Being hit didn’t really do much, I didn’t even end up with a black eye, but what happened had a big effect on me as a person. I told my parents about what happened, but I told them that it was nothing to worry about.
I didn’t want to cause any drama, and this also meant that I had to make sure that my sister didn’t do anything ether. In a way, I became more withdrawn after this, yet this is not to say that I was completely outgoing before this took place.
But while I was shy and quiet at times, there was another part of me that was completely different to this. This part of me felt as though it could do anything and take on anyone, it wasn’t scared.
However, I rarely revealed this part of my nature; I didn’t feel safe enough to do so. I had no idea why I didn’t feel safe to do this at this time in my life, but I did find out why this was many, many years later.
The Second Time
With that aside for the time being, around a year or two after this, I ended up in a similar situation. And in the same way that it seemed as though something was trying to stop me from getting attacked again (in the first example it was my friend suggesting that we wait for his mother), my mother told me that I shouldn’t go out that night as we had a family friend coming over.
This time, believe it or not, the same boy who was in the year above at school was out with another friend. A friend that I was with that night ran off as one of these boys wanted to beat him up, but I wasn’t prepared to tell him where he was, so I ended up being slapped by the other boy.
The Same Story
Once again, I ended up freezing and crying, and I remember wondering how this could have happened again. Ironically, soon after he did this he came back and said sorry for what he had done.
In both of these instances, I had the ability to fight back and maybe I had it in me to sort them both out, so to speak. Even so, I hated violence and didn’t want to harm anyone or anything.
The Light Came On
During this time in my life, I often had dreams where it wasn’t possible for me to move my limbs; I couldn’t understand why this was. It must have been around 2012 that I came to see why I froze up and, therefore, why I was unable to protect myself.
As a child I was physically abused, and this was something that usually took place with a cane or a belt. When this happened, I would generally freeze up, dissociate and want my life to end.
Destined To Happen
So, when I was hit by these two boys, I just behaved how I behaved when I was being harmed in my own home. The experiences I had had, in an environment that was supposed to be safe and secure, set me up to experience more of the same in the outside world.
Not only did these experiences define how I would behave when this happened at the hands of someone else, they also caused me to carry the energy or resonance that would attract more of the same. Unsurprisingly, my parents couldn’t see the part that their behaviour had played in all this.
The part of me what was there to keep me alive – what Ben Ralston calls the ‘fight instinct’ – was not online. If I had got angry as a child I would have suffered even more, it simply wasn’t safe for me to express this part of myself.
And it has been through working with Ben, a therapist, healer and retreat leader, that I have gradually been able to integrate this part of my nature. I have come to see how important this instinct is when it comes to being able to stand my ground and to assert myself.
I grew up in a family where everyone had a role, and each person rarely stepped out of that role. My mother was the one who was in control, and this generally took place through making the decisions and keeping people inline through losing her temper.
My father, on the other hand, was someone who would typically do as my mother wanted and was the calm one. There was then my sister, who had no trouble expressing herself and losing her temper if she wasn’t happy with something.
This is not to say that she was just the same as our mother, but what she did have was an extremely short fuse. Thus, in the same way that we would often walk on egg shells around my mother, we often did the same around my sister.
I was very much like my father, in that I would often do as I was told and would rarely make a scene. Although this wasn’t a role that reflected my true nature, it was a role that felt comfortable.
On one side, this meant that it wasn’t possible for me to express myself, but on the other, it limited the amount of pain that I would have to experience. Usually, if I didn’t do as I was told or if I lost my temper, I would be in trouble.
Being hit or neglected was often the punishment for doing so, and this meant that as time went by I would often just do as I was old. What had happened in the past was what kept me inline.
Loaded With Fear
The reason for this was that my body was full of fear, so I didn’t need my parents to threaten me at this point. I was the perfect slave during this time in my life, easy-going and obedient.
And, for as long as I lived in this environment, there was no need for me to change my behaviour. When I was at school, I continued to behave in the same way, and same thing happened when I first went to college.
Behaving in this manner caused me to experience a lot of anger - anger that had to be pushed out of my awareness. This went on top of the rage that I had already experienced through being neglected and physically and verbally abused.
Deep down, I wasn’t interested in doing as I was told and going along to get along, but I didn’t have much choice at this age. What I did value was working together and treating other people with respect.
After my father passed on in 2011 and our family guest house closed shortly after, I came to see that I longer needed to play the same role. Part of me felt comfortable with playing this role and another part me wanted to change
Even so, due to playing the same role for most of my life, it wasn’t possible for me to simply change my behaviour. Yet regardless of what was taking place within me, I came to see that the time had come for me to embrace my true nature.
If I had continued to play the same role, I would have needed other people to stand up for me and to direct my life, for instance. This was something that I wasn’t willing to go along with, which meant that I had to integrate the other parts of my nature.
I gradually began to connect with my true needs and to express myself. The pain that I experienced through not being able to do this as a child was what propelled me forward.
A little while before a relationship came to an end, at the beginning of 2013; I had got to the point where I no longer wanted to behave in the same way. Up until this point, I was easy-going and generally came across as happy.
It wasn’t that I no longer wanted to be easy-going or to come across as happy, it was that I wanted to decide when I would behave in this way. For so long, behaving in this way was something that would just happen.
The trouble was that I felt the need to behave in this way when I was around a certain friend. In a way, this friend had a lot in common with how I saw my mother as a child, and this meant that the role I played around them was similar to how I behaved when I was growing up.
I saw this person as having it all together and being a larger than life figure, which was one of the main reasons why we were drawn together in the first place. When I first met them I didn’t know this, of course, but another part of me did.
The Same Dynamic
This was then the same as what happens when someone ends up in an intimate relationship with someone who reminds them of their mother/father. In my case, I had ended up with a friend who reminded me of my mother.
When I was growing up, I had to overlook my own needs and focus on my mother needs instead. And, when I was around this friend, this is what typically took place.
So, in the same say that I was nothing more than extension of my mother when I grew up, I ended up acting as though I was an extension of this person. As a result of this, I did what I could to please them.
In the beginning, I thought it was great to spend time with them, but as time passed I felt as though I had lost touch with myself. For a few years prior to this, I had got to the point where I had a relatively good idea who I was and this allowed me to fulfil my needs from time to time.
But through spending time with this person, I slowly turned my back on who I had become, and I started to feel trapped. Being around someone who reminded me of my mother was familiar and, therefore, what pulled me in, but as time passed, I soon experienced how I felt when I felt repelled by her.
I wasn’t Waking in the Dark
This meant that in the same way that I was fearful of my mother, I also felt fearful of this person. Consciously, I could see what was going on and how we were both playing out old family drama, but my body was full of trauma.
Fortunately, due to what I had learned about childhood abuse and neglect and the work that I had done up until this point, I could see what was taking place. However, although I was doing what I could to understand what was going on, I got the impression that this person didn’t have the same desire.
A Tough Time
I did my best to avoid any more drama being created, but there was only so much that I could do. What made this even harder was the amount of pain that I was in at the time, and this meant that the last thing I needed was to be around someone who couldn’t see how their early years were affecting their behaviour.
Yet, if I had felt safer around women, this would have probably been something that I would have experienced with a woman in an intimate relationship. This was a time when I had to do my best to work though what was coming up in order to heal myself.
If I had no understanding of how my younger years were effecting my adult years and lacked self-awareness, I would have been normal for me to feel like a victim and to blame this person for everything. This would have stopped me from being able to move forward and I would have probably experienced the same thing with someone else.
At the end of the day, the reason this was taking place was to allow me to heal my childhood wounds. Having said all that, it wouldn’t be right to say that this person was a carbon copy of my mother as it wasn’t this black and white.