Through reading books on self-development, taking courses and changing what was taking place in my mind, amongst other things, I started to settle down mentally and emotionally. This was something that often stood out when I was out socialising, as I generally felt as though I was in control of myself and that I could express myself however I wanted to.
When I think about this, the years that come to mind are 2009, 2010 and 2011, and then this all started to change after my father passed away and when a relationship came to an end in 2013. The inner instability that I had worked so hard to overcome came back with a vengeance.
I Was Fighting a Losing Battle
Shortly after this relationship came to end, I ended up being completely overwhelmed by my emotions. For around a year before this, the cracks had already started to appear, and this meant that this didn’t just come out of nowhere.
In a way, it was similar to what usually happens when there is a leak in a roof that isn’t dealt with. In the beginning a few drops will appear and, over time, the water will come flooding in once the roof collapses.
I Was Holding On
My will to survive was pushed to the limit during this time, and the work that I had done up until this point didn’t have much of an effect. Having said that, I had developed the ability to observe my inner world, and this made it slightly easier.
Still, observing what was going on within me didn’t really change anything - I was in so much pain. The one thing it did do is give me the chance to use my brain to reflect on what I could do to change my life.
I Needed Help
Before the relationship came to an end, I was already working with a therapist who was helping me to work through my emotions. Nevertheless, I wanted to find out as much as I could about what was going on for me.
I wanted answers and I wasn’t going to stop looking until I found exactly what I needed. I didn’t believe that it was the therapist’s job to fix me or that they had all the answers, far from it.
It Was Up To Me
I had worked with other people in the past and I sensed that I would probably work with other people in the future, too. So, to put my healing journey into the hands of someone else made absolutely no sense to me.
Also, just because this person was a therapist it didn’t mean that they knew everything; after all, they were only human. I had a brain that questioned just about everything, and this wasn’t going to change.
A Dead End
After I had been working with this therapist for a little while, I got to the point where it seemed as though I wasn’t getting any further. I had had this experience when I had worked with people it the past, so I was able to recognise the signs.
There was a time when I felt the need to have more than one session and I ended up being told that I needed to be able to handle my own emotions. The reason for this was that I was always going to have them.
Part of me thought that this true, but another part of me wasn’t fully on board with what I was told. I thought that there was a big difference between having emotions and being overwhelmed by them; it wasn’t that I wanted to lose the ability to feel.
Deep down I believed that experiencing life in this way wasn’t normal and that there had to be a way for me to settle down. Having the ability to handle my emotions was clearly important, but if I had felt more at peace this wouldn’t have been an issue.
It wasn’t long before I found another therapist to work with, and I came to see that I did the right thing. But just as before, I soon came to see that I wasn’t going to get any further by working with the same person.
I went through the same process a few more times, and I would say that this is no different to what happens in other areas of life. For example, if someone wanted to become one of the best athletes on the planet, they are unlikely to have the same coach forever.
A Few Factors
When it comes to healing trauma, for instance, there is going to be what a therapist/healer knows and then there is going to be what their presence is like. This is why it has been said that it is not the technique that has the biggest effect; it is what the therapist’s/healer’s state is like.
What this makes me think about is how important it is to take full responsibility for our own healing and not to expect anyone else to do it for us. If we play our part, there is no reason why the universe (or whatever word someone wants to use) won’t meet us halfway.