Shorty after I had got to the point where I could contain my emotions, the healer that I was working with said it would be a good idea for me to see if I could cry when I’m by myself. The reason for this was that I hadn’t been able to cry during the sessions that we had had.
As even though I felt safe around him, I still wasn’t able to cry out the grief that was within me. This meant that while I had been able to release other emotions, I hadn’t really been able to let the grief pass through me.
I had Done It Before
A number of months before this, in the middle of 2014, I had worked with a woman who did tantric massage. And towards the end of one of these sessions, I just started crying; I didn’t force this, it just happened.
As a result of this experience, I knew that I would be able to cry out the pain that was within me. Part of me didn’t want to do it, but an even bigger part of me knew that I had to do it in order to heal myself.
What came to mind during this time was how I had felt a number of years before when I had listened to an album. At the time, I wasn’t aware of why I felt the way I did, and I ended up getting rid of it.
I remembered that I felt sad when I listened to this album, and this made me look for this album again. I believed that through listening to it again, it would allow me to cry out the pain that was within me or a least get the ball rolling, so to speak.
More Than One Thing
One of the other ways that I was able to bring this pain up to the surface was by going to the cemetery where my father was buried. In addition to the grief that related to the loss of my father, who had passed on a number of years earlier, there was the neglect I experienced as a child.
There were also a number of other losses that I had to work though, but one of these losses was somewhat unexpected. After I had been crying for a number of months, I started to think about a dog that we had whilst I was growing up.
A Special Bond
This dog was a female golden retriever, and we got her when she was a puppy. But one of the problems that these dogs often have is that their back legs go as they get older, and I think that this was the main reason why we had to have her put down.
I think this happened a little while after I left school, and while I was this affected me at the time, I think I soon forget about what happened. However, now that I was grieving a number of other losses, it became clear that this was something that had a far bigger effect on me than I had ever realised.
I said about this to the healer that I was working with and he understood what I was going through. Yet, I’m sure there would have been people who would have found it hard to believe how I could feel this way after losing a dog.
This was a dog that was there for me when I was younger, I felt safe around her. And I know that my early years wouldn’t have been the same without her, that’s for sure.