A little while before I headed to Bournemouth for New Years Eve, in 2012, I had been texting a woman I had met online. At this point, I didn’t know a great deal about her, but I was keen to meet her.
I think it was just after New Year’s Day that we arranged a time to meet and, when I met her for the first time, I was pleasantly surprised. What came to mind was that this is someone who looks far better in person than they do in their pictures.
It Went From There
The first time we met, we got to know each other better, and after this we arranged to meet again. Next time we went somewhere else and, the time after that, we had a meal.
After we had been seeing each other for a number of weeks, I said that I was happy to see where it would go. She had a similar outlook, as she was also happy to see where it would go.
I Thought I Was Building Something
This was a time when I pleased to have found someone to share my life with; especially after my grandfather had passed away the year before and my father the year before that. It was as if my life was finally going in the right direction.
There were more meals, nights out and all the other things that two people do together. However, soon something would happen that would end up changing everything, and before this happened, I did get a sense that something would happen.
I had arranged to meet a friend for a coffee and on my way there, I got this sense that I would see her there. But rather than feel good about this, I felt as though this wasn’t a good idea.
My head didn’t know what was going on, but another part of me knew that something bad was going to happen. Yet, even though I soon forgot about what was going through my mind whilst I was driving down, the unexpected happened.
I couldn’t believe it
Or should I say, it wasn’t long before what another part of me expected to happen, happened. Even so, I didn’t have long to think about this as I couldn’t get my head around what had just taken place.
She came in with her friends and didn’t really acknowledge me; her friends made more of an effort. I felt completely ignored, and it was clear to me that something wasn’t right.
The Next Day
Soon after this happened, I knew that we needed to talk about what had taken place. I sensed that it was over, but I wanted to talk about what was going for me and to hear about what was going on for her.
I felt angry and hurt, amongst other things, but I wasn’t going to blame her for how I felt; I knew that if I did this, it would make things even worse. Besides, what was taking place within me was my responsibility not hers.
That Was It
We got together the day after and spoke about what took place, and it became clear that our time together had come to an end. I couldn’t understand how this could have happened - I thought that my life was on the up.
I was sadly mistaken; in fact, I would soon end up hitting rock bottom. I had felt bad before, but I hadn’t felt as bad as I did after my time with her came to an end.
There Was More to It, A Lot More
What I came to see was that I didn’t just feel this was because the relationship came to an end - that was only a small part of it. The main reason why I felt so bad was largely due to what had been triggered from my past.
There was the loss of my father that I hadn’t grieved, and there was the neglect that I experienced when I was younger. Fortunately, I had developed the ability to observe my inner world and I knew why I felt the way that I did.
A Long Battle
This allowed me to keep my head above water, so to speak, and to reach out for the right support. I had to dig deep during these moments in my life, that’s for sure.
Without realising it, a lot of pain that been building up within me, and the time had come for me to face this pain. At the time, it was horrible, but it could now be seen as a blessing in disguise.
This pain needed to be faced and released, and in order for this to take place, I had to attach to someone. If the person I spent time with didn’t have much of an effect on me, this wouldn’t have happened.
And, once this attachment was broken, it allowed the pain that was hidden within me to come to the surface. This was a time in my life when I was finally strong enough to face this pain.