I remember when I was seeing a woman towards the end of 2011, who was going through a challenging time. She wasn’t in a good place, and this meant that I tried to do what I could to help her.
This primarily took place through listening to what she had to say and offering advice. I was also going through a challenging time, but I acted as though I had it all together.
A Number of Things
I had lost my father a few months before and my mother had also been through a challenging time the year before. It wasn’t that I consciously chose to behave in this way, though, as it just happened.
I had been this way for a number of years, and it meant that I had the tendency to focus on a woman’s needs. I acted as though I was needless and this was then a way for me to indirectly fulfil my own needs.
At the time, I believed that this woman needed to be rescued, and that I was the one who could do it. Through having the need to look strong, I didn’t talk a lot about what I was going through.
Also, through focusing on what was going on in her life, it allowed me to avoid what was taking place in my own life. And due to my interest in psychology, I had plenty of advice to offer.
The Same Old Story
After our time had come to an end, I ended up meeting another woman who had a number of challenges. I believed that I had the knowledge and the tools to make a difference in her life, too.
Fortunately, my own issues were starting to get out of control, which meant that I had no other choice than to take a step back. I ended up taking a break and, before long, the same scenario took place all over again.
A New Beginning
However, shortly after a relationship that I was in at the beginning of 2013 came to an end, I was no longer interested in behaving in this way. This was a time when I had to face the pain that was within me.
The need to look strong and as though I had it altogether also came to an end, and I started to see why I was behaving in this way. Deep down, I believe that I didn’t deserved to have my needs met, and this was why I had to get them met indirectly.
A Human Doing
In addition to this, I believed that my value was based on what I did and not on who I was, which was why I had to do things in order to be liked. Said another way, I believed that I would be rejected if I behaved differently.
And as I believed that I was worthless, the last thing I wanted to do was to reveal my true-self to another woman. I believed that I was unlovable, and wearing a mask was a way to hide this from others.
The Time Had Come
One of the big problems I had through wearing a mask was that it wasn’t possible for me to experience intimacy; this could only happen if I revealed my true-self. When the pain within me came up to the surface it was a living hell, but it didn’t last forever.
The experiences that I had with my mother whilst I was growing up had played a big part in why I had experienced life in this way. Luckily, I was able to put an end to this behaviour and to embrace my inherent value.