Shortly after I was in a relationship that came to an end in the beginning of 2013, I started to write more often. I remember writing about four articles a week and believing that that was enough.
Once I had been doing this for a while, I felt the need to write seven articles a week. When I spoke to my friends about how often I was writing, they were often surprised that I was able to write so much.
In The Past
I had worked out for a number of years and I read books on psychology on a regular basis, but I wouldn’t have said that I was someone who was extremely driven. Yet, I had become someone who was extremely motivated.
In a way, it was as although this was something that came out of nowhere. I didn’t need anyone to tell me to write and I didn’t need motivating; I felt the need to write and I did it.
A New Identity
It was only a matter of time before I started to see myself differently and this also had an effect on how the people in my life saw me. When I met someone for the first time, it was different, of course.
In their eyes, I was just seen as someone who was driven and that was all there was to it. They may have believed that this was how I had always been, and it was then just part of my nature.
When I was at school, I wasn’t really bothered about doing well, and it wasn’t expected to do well either. I struggled at school and, as long as I helped at home, my parents were happy.
I was told that I would be more likely to do something practical when I grew up, and this made a lot of sense. I did go to college a number of times, but I didn’t study anything that really fired me up.
I Was Searching
It wouldn’t be completely accurate to say that there wasn’t any fire within me, though, as I had been looking for something for years. Part of me was looking for something that I could commit to, I just hadn’t found it.
One of the main reasons why I became even more motivated after the relationship came to an end was that it triggered the toxic shame that was within me. Through feeling so worthless, I felt the need to feel better about myself.
The Only Way
As a result of this, I believed that I would be able to feel better if I became successful. Through feeling worthless, I believed that my value was based on what I did as opposed to who I was.
The trouble was that no matter what I achieved, I still felt the same, and this caused me to gradually step back. I ended up meeting someone called Wain towards the end of 2015, and this was a guy who was extremely sharp.
I was amazed that I had met someone who not only questioned things like I did, but who also looked deeper, too. He would often ask me why I wrote so much and he did this in such a way that I didn’t feel as though I was being judged.
I am extremely grateful that our paths crossed when they did. Through his support and what I was doing to understand myself, I was able to come across a healer who could assist me with this.
As I started to feel better about myself, I didn’t lose the desire to write; what changed was that I was coming from a different place. I no longer believed that my value was based on what I did.
However, what I still had was the need to express myself, and this is probably because I didn’t really have the chance to do this when I was younger. So, if I didn’t have this need, I might have slowed right down or stopped altogether.