A little while ago, I wrote about when my father worked with a healer called, Errol Campbell, and after I wrote this article, I ended up sharing it with him. Yet, before I wrote this article, I wasn’t sure if I would have enough content within me to write an article about this moment.
Just Do It!
This doubt was coming from my mind, while my body was telling me to go for it. After I had written about this moment, I thought it would be a good idea to send it to Errol.
I wasn’t sure if I would hear anything back from him, but to my surprise, he replied and asked me if I was free to speak over the internet sometime. I thought that this would be great, so we soon arranged a time to speak.
During the call, we touched upon the time when he assisted my father, as well as other things. One of the things that we spoke about is how futile it is to expect one person to fulfil all of our needs.
This was something that I had been aware of for a little while, I had even written a few articles about it. But even though I was aware of this, what Errol said about this made a mark.
He didn’t just say that it wasn’t a good idea to expect one person to fulfil all of our needs and then speak about how this isn’t possible, he went into why we usually look towards one person to fulfil our needs in the first place. His way of looking at this was that it was our ‘mother or father wound’ that causes us to behave in this way.
Therefore, what we didn’t receive during our early years is what we look towards another person to give us. And the reason we would look towards one person is because we would have looked towards one parent when we were growing up.
So, although we will look different, part of us will see another person in the same way as we used to see our parent/s. The part of us that is defining how we see another person is likely to be our inner child.
We might no longer be aware of this part of us, but it will still be having a big effect on our life. The person we see in the mirror will look very different to the person that we are carrying within us - the child who is running our life.
An alternative to trying to get these needs met by another person is to get in touch with our inner child and to face how we feel. Through working through this pain, we will gradually begin to need less and this will make it easier for us to have relationships that are fulfilling.
Additionally, Errol spoke about how we can be nurtured in other ways and that we don’t need to rely solely on others. One of the ways he said that this can take place is through being in nature and connecting to the love that nature provides.
This was a very interesting and powerful conversation; I had no idea that writing an article would lead to this. If you would like to find out more about Errol, and the services that he offers, please go to - http://sourceawakening.com/
The other night I was at a friend’s house and, while we were looking for something to watch, the film ‘Due Date’ caught my eye. I thought that it looked similar to the ‘Hangover’ films, so I thought that it would be a good idea to watch it.
Over all, I would say that it was an entertaining film; there were moments when we both laughed and found it hard to believe what was going on. However, there was a part in the film that made me step back and reflect.
After The Car Accident
Peter (Robert Downey Jr.) and Ethan (Zach Galifianakis) are left without a car, and this was due to the fact that Ethan fell asleep at the wheel and ended up crashing the car. Soon enough, Peter’s friend, Darryl (Jamie Foxx), arrives to pick him up.
At this point, Peter is more than happy to leave Ethan behind; he has had more than enough of him. Yet, Darryl says that this would lead to bad karma and says that he should go and get him.
The Right Thing to Do
Peter soon comes to the conclusion that Darryl is right and ends up telling Ethan that he can join them. Ultimately, Peter believes that something bad will happen to him if he turns his back on Ethan.
It could be said that they both believe that it is their action that have the biggest effect on their life. Therefore, if they do ‘good’ things, it will stop them from having to experience ‘bad’ things’.
A Common Outlook
This way of looking at karma can sound fairly accurate, with our actions being the only thing that have an effect on our reality. The key is then going to be for someone to make sure they do ‘good’ things and to make sure they don’t do anything ‘bad’.
What this doesn’t take into consideration, though, is that it is not just what we do that influences our life; there is also the effect that our thoughts, feelings and beliefs have. Additionally, if Pieter is only doing something to avoid bad karma, he is clearly coming from a place of fear.
What You Resist Persists
Another way of looking at this would be to say that it is what is taking place in our body, as opposed our mind that defines our life. Someone can then do something and say to themselves that this will be bring them good karma, but at a deeper level, they can be sending out another message – a message that is fear-based.
And what will have the strongest affect on what actually happens won’t be what they do; it will be what is taking place in their body. It is then as though one is trying to deceive themselves and the universe, but while they will be able to deceive themselves, they won’t be able to deceive the universe.
It’s Always On
Ultimately, it is their feelings that have the biggest effect on their reality and not their thoughts. So, if one is only doing something to avoid something else, it would be for better for them to stop what they are doing and to take a different approach.
What this comes down to is that one’s being is constantly communicating with the universe; this is not something that can be stopped. When someone doesn’t understand this and they do ‘good’ things, it can be hard for them to understand why ‘bad’ things would happen to them.
A Closer Look
Going over this reminds of the conversations I have had over the years with a friend of mine called, Wain Gordon. This is someone who is curious about his own motives and the motives of others.
He has spoken at length about how important it is to look into the reason/s why we want to do something. The reason for this is that if we don’t do this, it can cause us to not only attract what which we are trying to avoid, it can send us down the wrong path and to expect things that can’t be provided.
This is just a film and, if these actors were asked to share their thoughts on karma, they might have something completely different to say. Even so, it can be easy to accept something just because it was in a film.
So, regardless of whether we watch a film or read a book, for instance, it is vital to question what we are told. And if you would like to find out more about Wain, and the serves that he offers, please to go - https://www.timetorelax.space/.
Towards the end of 2016, it was clear that I was only getting so far; in fact, it was as though I was actually getting worse, not better. I had worked with people, but some of the changes that I had made didn’t last and I was only getting so far.
What also stood out was how I needed to be working with a therapist in order to feel at ease. I didn’t have the ability to regulate my own system, so I had become dependent on these kinds of people.
The Unexpected Happened
During this time, I just ‘happened’ to have a car accident; fortunately I wasn’t hurt and neither was anyone else. My car was a write-off, even though it was only damaged on one side and looked fine from the back, front and the other side.
In a way, this accident was a manifestation of how I felt at the time – along with feeling angry and frustrated, I felt powerless and as though I had no control over my life. So, losing control and no longer having a car to drive increased the intensity of how I had felt to begin with.
Down but Not Out
The feelings within me were bound to create a situation in my life that reflected how I felt at a deeper level. I wasn’t willing to throw in the towel though; I had come too far to do that.
What also played a part here was that I didn’t think that I would have come so far only to be left in the dark. I knew that I had to keep going and that the right guidance would soon appear.
The Crooked Cure
My search for answers continued, with this being a time when I came to hear about how most of the therapy/healing our there is just a short-term solution. Someone can then feel settled when they are with their therapist/healer, but when they are not, they can end up feeling completely dysregulated, or they can feel better once they have stopped having this support, only to return to how they were before shortly after.
One will then have been trained to settle in this person’s presence and to feel unsettled when they are not with them. Therefore, while they can believe that they are making progress; this is going to be no different to spending time with a good friend, for instance.
The Next Step
Still, this is not to say that one should never feel dependent on someone like this, as this can be part of the healing process. What matters is how long someone is in this stage for, as it shouldn’t last forever.
Anyway, I ended up coming across something called Neurofeedback, and this was positioned as being the answer to the problem above. This seemed like exactly what I was looking for – something that would finally settle my emotions down and get me out of fear mode.
A Powerful Tool
By taking trying this, I started to settle down and I felt better, my mind also started to function better. It was as though I had been lifted up and I was amazed by what had taken place.
I soon started to remember what I had been like before all my trauma had been brought up to the surface, around 2012. The trouble was that although it had an effect, I was still loaded with toxic shame.
Not the Answer
Additionally, it was as though what was going on for me at deeper level hadn’t been touched by this approach. And after a little while, the effects started to wear off; at this point, I couldn’t understand what was going on.
I ended up getting in touch with someone who I had worked with before, when I tried Somatic experiencing. I had to keep going, and I ended up trying something called Life Activation.
A New Approach
After about a month had passed the following year, I knew that I needed to do something else. It was around this time that I thought about Ben Ralston, a healer who I had come across before.
For whatever reason it hadn’t gone any further at that point, but I felt the need to book a session with him. One of the main things I wanted to deal with was the toxic shame I was carrying, along with a number of other issues.
A Miracle Occurred
It didn’t take long before a lot of the toxic shame had disappeared; it was as though the impossible had happened. I was amazed by what took place and I felt incredibly grateful that our paths had crossed.
For a little while, I stopped using the word ‘healer’ at the end of my articles as I thought that it was far better to use the term ‘therapist’ instead. The reason for this is that I didn’t have a lot of faith in these kinds of people.
The Real Deal
But after working with Ben, it was perfectly clear that there are people out there who have an incredible ability. I currently believe someone either has this ability or they don’t, and that it can’t be taught by doing some kind of healing course.
And even if someone does learn a few things by doing a healing course, for instance, it doesn’t mean that they will end up with the same ability. It is then similar to how just about anyone can learn how to kick a ball, but only a few people who kick a ball will end up as world class players.
I’m not quite sure what he does, but I know that it works. There is no doubt that this is someone who is committed to what he does, along with making a difference through the work that he does and in other ways.
If you would like to find out more about Ben Ralston, and the services that he offers, please go to - http://benralston.org/
In 2012, I started to read books on child abuse, and the only time that I had read anything like this before was in 2009, when I read the book ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward. So, up until this point, I had primarily been reading books on self-development.
As far as I knew, I just lacked confidence, my emotions were often out of control, and didn’t really know what was going on with my life. It then seemed as though I just happened to be this way and that I simply needed to increase my confidence.
However, I was always questioning things and open to new information, so it was inevitable that I would gradually get to this point. Perhaps I needed to lay down a few foundations before I was ready to face up to what really happened.
At the same time, I could see that my family wasn’t healthy and that I hadn’t always been treated with respect and as though I had value. But while I was aware of this, it wasn’t until I started to read books on child abuse that it all fell into place.
A Brick Wall
Before I started to read these books, I would often speak to my mother about what her childhood was like. This was generally a waste of time, though, as I would rarely get very far.
At times, she would talk about different experiences that proved that her early years were not very functional and, at others, she would say that her childhood was fine. Also, her father (my grandfather) would often talk about how his father called him “a good-for, a good-for-nothing”, and he would also say how great he was.
It Didn’t Add Up
While this was going on, my mother would often talk about how nasty his father was. From what I had heard about him and how my grandfather often behaved, I came to the conclusion that his father was a tyrant, and my mother often behaved like one too.
There were moments when he was kind and then there were moments when he was extremely cold. I remember there being a time when I didn’t do something and my granddad said that my mother should “chuck him out”.
It All Made Sense
I came to understand that there was a reason why it was so hard to get through to my mother, and that she was this way out of her need to protect herself. Creating an idealised version of her parents stopped her from having to face her own pain and it stopped her from having to get in touch with the fears that she had of her own parents.
If she had let go off all these illusions, it probably would have be too much for her to handle. Yet, even though she generally acted as though her childhood was perfect, there were so many signs that it wasn’t.
There was, of course, how she had treated my sister and I when we were growing up, and my father was often on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse. She was also very closed hearted and emotionally unstable.
Her relationship with her parents was also full of drama, and it was clear that there was a lot of conflict between them. My mother wasn’t interested in reality; she as too caught up in how she believed things were.
An Extreme Reaction
Also, her brother lived in Australia, and this was somewhere where he went during the beginning of his life. Now, this could be somewhere where he just wanted to go; then again, maybe he felt the need to go to the other side of the planet to get away from all the family drama.
When someone can’t handle how they feel, they can try to avoid how they feel by running away. How they feel can be seen as being caused by another person and getting away from that person, by cutting them out of their life, can then be a way for them to feel different – this is often described as emotional cut-off.
What also backs this up is that he also just happened to end up with a nasty woman while he was there. While my mother, grandfather and grandmother would talk about how nasty she was, I thought that this woman had a hell of a lot in common with my mother and grandmother.
It was then not that he just randomly ended up with a woman like this; this was something that was destined to happen. One way of looking at it would be to say that he ended up with a woman who reminded him of the women that he was trying to run away from, or to be more accurate, the women that lived within them.
I knew that I had to face up to what happened and to keep going no matter how I felt. I tried to get my mother to open up and to acknowledge what happened, but I gradually came to see that I was wasting my time and energy.
Before my father passed away, we had the chance to talk about these things and he expressed his remorse. After a lot of healing, I no longer needed my mother to face up to what happened.
Whilst I was helping a friend to move house a number of years ago, I ended up meeting someone there who was into self-development. It didn’t take long for me to see that we had a lot in common.
Not only this, he also worked as a photographer and made videos. I thought that everything was falling into place and that it would only be a matter of time before we were making videos and documentaries together.
However, while I had everything worked out in my mind and believed that we had been brought together to create videos, I soon found out that this wasn’t the case. In reality, I had come into contact with someone who would teach me a hell of a lot.
When I look back on this time in my life, it was as though I had all this energy but it wasn’t being used in the right way. I would say that the person I had met, on the other hand, had been around the block a few times, so to speak, and had his feet firmly on the ground.
A Human Doing
At this stage in my life, I was focused on doing things and trying to go further with my writing career. This was just part of it, though; the other part was that I would often feel angry and frustrated with how things were going.
It was then similar to having a lot of fire power, but not being able to hit any of the targets that had been pinpointed. Still, I did what I could to not get caught up in these moments in my life and to keep going.
A Different Approach
This person wasn’t extremely motivated, which meant that he wasn’t tearing around trying to achieve things. I found it hard to understand what was going on, and I couldn’t work out why he wasn’t more motivated.
I would often ask him if he felt the need to achieve certain things and, when he said that he didn’t, I thought it was strange. But while I thought this was strange, he probably thought that it was strange that I needed to achieve so much.
The Big Question
During the moments when we would get together, he would often ask me why I wanted to do something and what I was looking to receive after I had experienced something. When he first started asking me this, I felt as though I was being judged.
I thought that he was asking me this because he was against what I wanted to achieve and the experiences that I was having. As far as I was concerned, I was on the right track so there was no need for me to change my approach.
A Seed Had Been Planted
Yet even though I felt uncomfortable when he asked me this, I did my best to answer the question. After our time together had come to an end, I would think about what he said but I would soon think about other things.
What had stopped me from being able to change my behaviour was that I felt worthless – I had to achieve things to feel good about myself. Along with this, I had been spending time with people who were just as driven as I was.
If I had listened to my feelings and ignored what he said, I wouldn’t have been able to reflect on what he said. I would have believed that he was trying to hold me back and I might even have pulled away.
However, while this would have stopped me from feeling uncomfortable, it wouldn’t have allowed me to grow. I would then have done everything I could to “kill the messenger” and I probably would have suffered as time went by.
A New Beginning
Instead of gradually being able to settle down and to realise my value, I might still be tearing around trying to achieve things and getting angry and frustrated in the process. Also, he wasn’t asking me these questions to undermine me; he was asking them to find out if I was aware of why I was doing something or had done something.
What this makes me think about is how our feelings are not always right, and if we always allow them to define our behaviour it will set us up to suffer. Being able to step back and to observe out inner processes is vital.
If we had made more films and these conversations didn’t take place, I might still be doing the same things. Therefore, although I believed that I needed new videos at this stage in my life, what I actually needed was a new outlook.
This is one of the reasons why I am grateful that I came into contact with Wain Gordon. If you would like to find out more about, Wain, and the services that he offers, please go to - https://www.timetorelax.space/
For a number of years, I thought that the reason we projected our inner world/issues onto others was due to a lack of awareness; therefore, this wouldn’t take place if someone was self-aware. This was something that I was fairly convinced of.
I think I even wrote a number of articles where I went into this, and this is what I would usually say if I was having a conversation with someone. It took me a little while to come to this conclusion.
Over The years
Up until this point in time, I had read a number of books, worked with different therapists and healers, and listened to different audio books. Furthermore, I had spent a lot of time reflecting on this.
Fortunately, I had an open mind and was open to hearing things that went against what I believed to be true. As a result of this, I was willing to think about another way of looking at why projection takes place.
This was something that I believed until around 2015 or 2016, and then it all changed after working with a therapist called Vijay Rana. I can’t remember exactly how we ended up talking about this, but what I do remember is that Vijay had another outlook.
He said that he had heard that the reason we project our inner world/issues onto others, is so that we can become aware of what is taking place within us. This is not something that can happen directly, so it has to happen indirectly.
The mind - with all its defence mechanisms - does what it can to stop someone from being aware of what is taking place in their body. This then causes them to lose touch with how they feel, amongst others things.
For that reason, it is not possible for this information to enter their mind, which is why it has to appear externally. The trouble with this is that when their inner “material” appears externally, it can be easy for them to believe that it is has got absolutely nothing to do with them.
It Made Sense
When Vijay mentioned this I thought that what he said was interesting and it really made me think. On my way home, I reflected on what he said and I thought that this was a far better way of looking at this defence mechanism.
As I look back on this moment, I can’t say that I’m not surprised that I heard this when I was working with Vijay. Firstly, he was a great therapist, and, secondly, he had a way of putting information and ideas forward without coming across as patronising or as though he knew it all.
I think that what this emphasises is how important it is to have an open mind, as there is always something new to learn. There was another time when we spoke about repetition compulsion, but I will go into that in another article.
Vijay is an excellent therapist, and this is why I am grateful that our paths crossed. If you would like to find out more about Vijay, and the services that he offers, please go to - http://www.vijayrana.co.uk/.